I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
