My Higher Power is John Stamos
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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