We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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