Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
