Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
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It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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