Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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