dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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