My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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