So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
