I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
