i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
