You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
