I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
