they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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