Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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