I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
