How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
