I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
