The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.