We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
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After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
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Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.