i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'