Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..