My first STD was from a foam party
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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