There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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