There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
