before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
