the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
