How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
