Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
