When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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