i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
