i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
this is an emotional support booty call
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
