Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
