Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You need a sexual gate keeper
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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