i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
