Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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