Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
