My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
