My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
