Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
