I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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