So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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