you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize