I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
