Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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