Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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