i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
