It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
