I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
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Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...