umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
