yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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