Swine flu. Run for my life!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
