I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
