I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
