I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
