It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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