Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
